^Me with Rick Santorum in 2012 LOL.
I seem to be having some sort of Renaissance in my life, hence my urge to write another blog post after two years of heading in other directions. Who would have thought that I would have such a thing at the age of 48? How did this happen? I can reconstruct a road map, but will it help anyone else? Or help me in the future if I get depressed again? The answers are unknown, but it is worth a try.
April 4, 2019: I was too depressed to call back my best friend from childhood. We have literally been friends since birth, since our brothers went to preschool together; and then our mothers were friends and got pregnant with us at the same time. This was the time when I had decided I had to just keep taking my sons to Mass every Sunday by myself and see all the happy families with fathers there and just bear my cross of being virtually alone. I decided I would just think of myself as a spiritual widow, and I bought myself a black mantilla to wear to Church.
I hadn’t had a deep conversation with my husband about my true thoughts and feelings since December 14, 2012 (Sandy Hook Drill). He stopped going to church with us. He is still a good husband, father, and provider. I just got so depressed because we seem to have almost nothing in common. We got married during my ten wasted years as a Neo-Con, and he still is one. He rescued my from the cult, in a way, even though I met him after I left there. He rescued me from the mindset of the cult, at least, but then I swung to another extreme. I was a damsel in distress, and he does keep me safe. Now that I am no longer the damsel in distress archetype, everything has to be renegotiated. Still, recently I have gotten the message that I need to become something of a fangirl for my own husband and also clean this big, messy house full of children.
He once read a David Ray Griffin book by my request, as a last ditch attempt by me to get on the same page. He just said that if it really was like that, then we were [insert profanity here]. He’s suspicious of the motives of people who lift the curtain. It’s kind of ridiculous in my mind. Logic dictates that either we are being deceived on a grand scale, or someone is elaborately framing all events to make anyone who looks for the truth think that we are being lied to on a grand scale, when in reality everything is exactly like they portray it on the Today Show. Occam’s Razor suggests that they wouldn’t need to go to the effort of that extra layer of deception. Nevertheless, I know that I must do my very best at the post at which I am currently positioned.
One day around this time I bought some Heritage Flakes, which I used to eat during my days of all-out hippiedom. My husband liked them, and ate almost the whole bag. He told me he liked them, and I said “Wow! I am shocked! I can add that to the list of things we have in common.” He said, “It’s a short list. I don’t think there is anything else on it.”
April 15, 2019: The fire happens at Notre Dame. A lady from our Catholic Home School group sent out an email about it. So I turned on the news, which I rarely do anymore. The first thing I thought was that the anti-humans were asserting their dominance once again, trying to burn down one of the most beautiful creations that humans had ever made. I checked around the old so-called alternative sites that I had previously semi-abandoned, but no one was really telling the truth. The view above is similar to the view of Notre Dame I saw with my parents in 1990. I remember we only saw it from across the river, because we had to catch a train. We were taking the EuroRail through Europe, but we mostly went to villages and out of the way places.
Here are my primroses in Michigan on April 27, 2019. Around this time it was unseasonably cold, and there was very little sun. I couldn’t plant things or fix up the yard the way I usually would in spring. I started to have a lot of dreams about people in my life who had died: My brother, my dad, my aunt, my friends Amy and Ned who killed themselves, my daughter’s teacher, Tony’s cult member John Thurstin, and others. It was freaking me out a bit, because every night another one would be there and seemed as clear and real as day. Was I going to die? Why was the other realm so busy communicating with me? I did think that my life seemed to have not much meaning other than being there for my children.
April 28, 2019: The primroses and the gnome made it through the snowstorm. I was to emerge from the storm shortly afterward.
April 30: I see a person’s post on Project Avalon about a podcast with Freeman TV and James True. I write to my friend (image above) about it, while we are going back and forth about publishing or not publishing a certain YouTube video. I read this quote:
It is time to unlock your magic and liberate your psychology. There is a technology to our thoughts. The Jungian archetypes are sigils of magic and you are a creator responsible for this power. Your mind can be baptized in a single question. You can return the assemblage point of your awareness back to your center. All you have to do is ask the question, “Is that true.” We remain as defenseless as a baby when we give them blind trust. It’s time to wake up now. –James Truehttps://www.jtrue.com/blog/blueprints-for-mind-control
I listen to this podcast and am intellectually blown away for the first time in years. I ordered the book, Blueprints For Mind Control, and read it cover to cover. We had been trying to figure out whether the CIA was still actively involved in the cult I was in during the 1990s, but this book helped me to realize that it doesn’t actually matter; because the mind control is everywhere. I start to read some posts at James True’s blog, like this one: “Our Lady of Fire and Isis” I discover that there is at least one other human being living on this Earth who refuses to put up with nonsense. Still, I can’t get too invested in any one person’s wisdom. I’ve been down that road before. Nevertheless, James True, I thank you for giving me courage to tell the truth in several areas of my life and to stop being afraid of my own story.
May 1: I tell my friend to go ahead and publish the YouTube video about my life in the cult 20 years ago. I barely remember what I said. It’s probably embarrassing. I had found out that another ex-member from the cult had taken action to expose the child sexual abuse that she witnessed and was a victim of in the cult. I figured it was the least I could do to tell my little story, which had previously seemed so big. I started to have survivors guilt, because I realized that as devastated as I had been by the cult, I had gotten off easy compared to some people. Cult leader Tony had another ex-member arrested recently for child rape. So I do some more work on my blog to help expose the truth about the mind control cult.
May 5: On the way home from church, an elderly lady turns left directly in front of an oncoming car going over fifty-five miles per hour. I am right behind her waiting to turn left and exactly in the path she would have taken had the car hit her. In other words, her car would have been pushed into mine at the speed of 55 mph. Everything slowed down. I was thinking “She’s not really going to turn now, is she?” Miraculously, within inches, the car swerves and misses her. I see people all around me freaking out in their cars and discussing with each other the near death experience we all just had. After that I drive home thinking “I really do want to live.” Later I take my kids to Menards to get supplies for their electricity science project and we pick up a planter for my mom for Mothers Day (image above).
May 8: I go to see a Cher concert at Van Andel Arena with aforementioned friend from infancy and my adult daughter. We have a real hooting and hollering fun time. Cher performs the song “I Got You Babe” by having a huge screen onstage where you can see Sonny singing his parts. Then Cher sings her parts to the big screen Sonny. I am impressed that whatever differences she had with him that resulted in their divorce, that now later in life she can give the audience what it wants and find the beauty and nostalgia from their time together as Sonny and Cher.
May 11: These folks from Pittsburgh drove to Kalamazoo to interview me for an article and podcast they are doing about the cult. I record an interview with them for two hours. It’s intense. It’s part of the process. I am leaving behind parts of my life that caused discord. I’m going through some kind of pre-purgatory. I was traumatized by some stuff that happened surrounding the Grateful Dead when I was in college, and I got through all that in December. Now the cult is quickly retreating in my rearview mirror. I guess talking about it helped. I used to almost never talk about it. People led me to believe that it would help others if I talk about it. Maybe that’s true. It certainly helped me.
Now: I am working on this project having to do with developing new curriculum for youth that will actually prepare them for this world the way it is, not the way people want to pretend that it is. The book Blueprints For Mind Control helped inspire me to do this and to revamp my own children’s homeschool next year. I feel less alone, because I have a renewed sense of purpose. I still don’t have anyone in my life who I feel like I can really talk to about the world, except for maybe my kids, but I try not to get too intense with them. Still, I am excited about life again. I am playing music on the guitar and piano again and singing.
When my friend from infancy and I read the book Wild (later made into a movie), we both thought, “Gosh, people are interested in this stuff? We have had way more interesting adventures than this lady.” We don’t usually share them, because they identify us as “other”. We took way more risks in our youth than most people, but now we have both tried to blend in more. What is the point of that? What is the point of having gone through all this joy and pain, if no one ever gets to know about it? These people who have never left their comfort zone are apparently fascinated by stories of humans doing human-like things. So maybe I will share more, just for fun, and stop hiding.
Right now, I am going to cook dinner for the kids on the grill and then make them a campfire. We will sing some songs around it. We might cook some s’mores. I will be fully present from them, because they landed with this far-out mom for some reason; so they might as well enjoy it.
UPDATE: We got the fire going, despite the dampness!